Secure Attachment   

It is a terrible thing to feel unsafe in the world. To have no one that you belong to, no safe harbor in which to take refuge. I started out in life as one of the unlucky ones, not feeling like anyone had my back. I remember how anxious I felt then, often being wary and watching out, wondering from where the next danger may come. I didn't have the words for this at that time, but in hindsight I can see that I was looking for a replacement mother, a safer one. I am grateful to feel securely attached now. I found someone with whom to build a secure attachment, and this experience transformed my life. 

Attachment Theory started with John Bowlby about 80 years ago. Through their research, Bowlby and others have found that those who have a secure attachment tend to thrive in life. While those who are anxiously attached, who lack a secure attachment, tend to struggle in life. These struggles include fear and anxiety, confusing anger, depression, feeling unsafe in the world, and facing the challenges of not knowing how to find a home base in life. Many experience the frustration and disappointment of going through relationship after relationship, never being satisfied. And it's not enough to simply find a safe person, you have to also know how to take them in. I can't tell you have many people have asked me to help them find a safe place, or to assist them in sorting out their still packed emotional suitcase.

So what exactly is a secure attachment? It is a relationship with someone that pays attention to how you're doing. It's like someone who takes your emotional temperature from time to time. It includes having someone to reach out to that wants to respond when you're upset or in crisis. It is also knowing how to make use of this relationship. It involves having a person or a small group of people that you experience as your family or tribe. They may or may not be blood relatives, but they have your back when you're in trouble. Do you have a secure attachment, or two?